Firstly in my family, there is my adultering, bastard child parenting (I say these things to give you some idea as to his BLATANT self righteousness), self loathing, abusive, younger brother. He likes to try to tell me that my beliefs are fake and that I know not what I beleive and how can I have the baby jesus on my table top when I dont even believe in him. No, I don’t believe that Jesus is the savior of mankind. In fact, I believe that he is just like any other sun deity that is glorified this time of year. That I have a baby Jesus (not yet in the nativity as it is not yet Solstice) on my table top is significant of those sun gods, that they are all honored this time of year. I can’t exactly find a Mithra scene or a birth of Horus scene, now can I?

Since that is an ongoing battle of disrespect (apparently I am going straight to hell and taking my children with me) I had decided at card giving time to not paint things so Christian like….instead I stayed straight and true. I sent Solstice greetings.

Next comes Rob’s family. With them, well all but his mother, the attacks are very subtle so as not to appear ignorant, ill-willed or mean spirited. His mother just goes for the throat, which is fine, because I have learned that I can say what I want back to her and she runs away with her tail between her legs for a short time before reverting back again.

Right now-and every year since Zoe’s birth-the issue comes up regarding a social security number. We have elected-as our child is not a tax payer-to not get a SSN for her. The issue comes up because there is money that is desired to be invested-BUT HOW MY FATHER IN LAW WANTS IT TO BE INVESTED. If we do not succumb, go against our principles of how we raise our children and view the world we live in….well you get the picture. He said to me, “better start saving your egg money in a coffee can in the chicken coop….” which is not only an affront to us in terms of how we live, but is also an affront that we might not manage things properly for our children in gifts they may be given. Okay, Can I be the parent for awhile?

So there is the jist. There is more to it, of course, but not that I am going to write all about as it isn’t over yet-by far. And it’s silly. We have made aware to all of our family that we do not live our lives according to the ways of the dollar. We live it according to the ways of harmony and balance. I hope beyond hope-no I am certain-that the world is not going to be operating in this terrible way by the time my daughters are grown. They all only see dollar bills.

I am making this super fast because it is almost time to get things ready for din din time..

After forwarding the article in the Washington Post to the editor of our local paper, Kelly Virden, I was interviewed, along with two other local homebirthers-both friends of mine-for our local paper. Here is the article.

I am happy with it, though I am a tad disappointed that nothing regarding world statistics regarding birth were mentioned, nothing regarding the safety stats of home vs hospital, nothing to the tune of information, only our stories. Don’t get me wrong, I really think that our three stories are crucial to changing mindsets, to helping wimmin realize their innate abilities, but the fact checker in me would have liked to see more to the whys of it instead of just the stories. One thing in my bit of the article that was actually in err, was that I sought prenatal care. I did but only through 20 weeks thereabout, when I was tired of the condescension of the local MDs. I am interested to see what kind of support and backlash we three get over this article.

Let me know what you think of it.

This one was taken by Brittany…the mom who helped me organize. I will have my photos up later. Thi sisthe only one of me though

I posted comments regarding this thread and this thread over at Feministing. Interesting.

Also, Hathor has a new strip out about feeding our children naturally and in public. She also posted a comment on the Feministing post about the Nurse-Ins

More later…it was a success though!! YAY!

ETA: WOW my jeans are getting to be too big! I am enjoying that!

I cried when I heard.

My favorite song he ever performed has to be Schubert’s Ave Maria…and being the good former Catholic girl, the Blessed Virgin is near and dear to this Witch…

So I give you Luciano Pavarotti singing Schubert’s Ave Maria

I am organizing a nurse in locally at the Baxter, MN Applebees on Dellwood Drive. Thankfully we have the support and backing of not only the police department there, but APPLENEES THEMSELVES! The manager is more than happy that we are going to be there as he is and their store is, Breastfeeding Friendly.

If you are around on Saturday about 2pm, stop by and say hi, and show your support for a baby’s right to eat without being discriminated against.

I have contacted various media outlets, perhaps some will show up, perhaps not. We are, thus far, the only organized demonstration in Minnesota. I expect a great turn out as I have gotten a few phone calls from supporters and people eager to show their support at the event.

Minnesota has a great law, but it could be better.

Minn. Stat. § 145.905 a mother may breastfeed in any location, public or private, where the mother and child are otherwise authroized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother’s breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding.

How it could be better is this: We could have a provision stating how a family can go about seeking damages of ‘x’ amount or criminal prosecution for breaking this law can be added. There are already a number of states that have such provisions.

For more info on what you can do go here.

On Saturday, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I noticed a tinge of pink on the paper. I felt my heart sink a bit. I didn’t say anything to Rob until Sunday when there was a little more bleeding. It was still not heavy, but it was bright red and I knew in my heart that I was losing our baby, but I wasn’t yet ready to surrender to that. I called on Monday, our family practice doctor, Dr. Heidi Malling. I made an appointment to see her that afternoon just to see what she would suggest doing to verify whether or not I was miscarrying. With the girls in tow, I went in. We talked and she thought it was possibly some implantation bleeding (I *knew* it wasn’t. I had pinpointed the days the babe implanted. I had very minor cramping that day and it was about 12 days after we conceived.) She suggested three things: 1) checking my cervix, but not doing a vaginal exam. Just opening my vagina with the speculum and peeking in to make sure my cervix was closed, 2)drawing blood to do a comprehensive hormone level test 3)scheduling an ultra sound for the next day.

We went with options 1 and 2. She checked my cervix and verified that it was closed tight and there was no trace of blood. We had blood drawn and the results were to be gotten the next day, Tuesday. She sent me home with the hope that things were well. Something inside me suggested that it was not okay though.

We got home and colored some pictures after I called Rob and reported what happened with Dr. Malling. I went about my normal afternoon routine, making sure to rest a little more though. I nursed Zoe to an overdue nap and did some dishes, vacuumed and tidied up a little bit.

We eat dinner rather late into the evening. We don’t have an overall ‘normal’ schedule by most people’s standards, as we don’t bend our children to cater to our time frame, thus the reason I stay at home with them. I was making dinner and just dishing everyone up when I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I went in and discovered my panties soaked in blood. I called Rob in asking him to bring a dish. I passed a number of large clots, then a spongy mass that we later disected and discerned was indeed Rune’s cocoon. I passed quite a few more clots and it was over. All I had left was a lost baby and some bleeding. It was very surreal. I didn’t cry much at first, just a few short bursts. it was just so intense I couldn’t absorb it. I monitored my temperature and made sure to eat and drink. My body felt just the same as it did after I gave birth to Zoe and Grace. Very achey and suddenly empty.

I didn’t sleep much that night. When I did sleep I had dreams of birthing a son but not getting to hold him. I squatted, pushed him out and he was taken away before I could grab ahold of him and bring him to my breast. I woke up at 4 am, needing to change my pad. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and did some reading on the internet. I cannot tell you what I looked at that early morning because I truly don’t remember. I was in such a fog. I lost it a few times. I finally went back to bed around 6am. Zoe and Grace and I slept until 9:30. Rob had gone off to work.

I woke up and was just so heavy. The whole day seemed to fly by. I lost my cool a few times. I cried for our lost baby. I cried because I didn’t have the strength or drive to play with my girls as usual. Grace was such a big girl for me that day and really helped and played extra with Zoe and helped me with things. We had breakfast and lunch and I slept a lot, but not real sleep. It was that in between worlds sort of sleep. My body needed the rest but my mind didn’t want to sleep.

Rob and I laid in bed and sobbed hard that night together.

The next day wasn’t much better. We planned to bury our newly named lost son, Rune Dustin. I wrote a ritual. I had to completely separate myself from the situation to be able to do it. I prepared our tools and prepared Rune in his jar.

I am not going to divulge the entire detail of the ritual as it was so hard to do. It was very emotional and intimate and private. We all cried a lot, hugged each other a lot. There was much comfort in the elements and the generations whirring around us.

After the ritual, Rob had his own fire and sat with the trees. He wrote a blessing to the Spirit, asking them to welcome our son, Rune. Death only parts us for a little while.

Last night I passed a few more clots, which I saved to give to Dr. Malling to have examined. Should I still be bleeding after one week, I will go and have an ultrasound to make sure nothing is being retained and I have not developed a molar pregnancy. There is no physical pain. I don’t have pain laboring-which is what this was. There is emptiness, I feel like I have a hole in my body. There is no small soft bump where there was before. My heart feels like someone tore it out, stomped the shit out of it, spit on it and jammed it back into my chest. I am afraid to sleep. I dreamed almost two years ago that this would happen. I told Rob the dream the morning after I dreamed it. I knew long ago that we would conceive and lose a son and a daughter would follow him.

We named him Rune Dustin. Dustin is a family name and Rune means ‘secret’. He was known to us for only a few weeks. Who he is, however, is a total secret to us. We will never know the boy he would have been and the man he would have become. Even still, he is our son. I have been pregnant and given birth to three children. Nature, the Gods and Goddesses, the Universe, saw that it wasn’t Rune’s time to be with us. They parent him now.

Thus far I have discovered that our children are not our own. They are merely entrusted to our care for a time. he may not be here, but Rune made me a mother for the third time. Now the Goddess nurtures him at her breast. Mine merely gift my nursling, Zoe with a bit more milk. Rune has a lot more to teach me and Rob. Time will be the deliverer of those lessons. There is much more grieving to be done. Rune is a part of us forever.

Here is a photo of our altar from last night. We all definitely felt the generations with us while we mourned and buried our sweet babe.

Rune is in the sugar jar. It’s pretty old one I found with an incomplete set from Japan. Rob is chiseling a stone with his name on it as a marker.

Thanks again for all of your blessings, here, via email, telephone calls from those who know us in real life and the few of you across the internet. They mean a lot more than you can know.

~~~~~~~

Though we don’t know from science, we know because of dreams that this babe was a boy. We ahve chosen to call him Rune Dustin. He was with us for only a few weeks but he has impacted our lives forever.

Our babe is in Summerland, waiting for his next time here. The angel above seemed to fit because he will send us his and the girls’ baby sister.

Rob, Tasha and girls.