My breasts are fuller than normal. There is extra milk and Zoe is drowning when she latches on. I cry when she latches on-not because it hurts, because, let’s face it, I am a nursing pro by now; but because there is no extra babe to take in the milk meant to feed him.

On Saturday, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I noticed a tinge of pink on the paper. I felt my heart sink a bit. I didn’t say anything to Rob until Sunday when there was a little more bleeding. It was still not heavy, but it was bright red and I knew in my heart that I was losing our baby, but I wasn’t yet ready to surrender to that. I called on Monday, our family practice doctor, Dr. Heidi Malling. I made an appointment to see her that afternoon just to see what she would suggest doing to verify whether or not I was miscarrying. With the girls in tow, I went in. We talked and she thought it was possibly some implantation bleeding (I *knew* it wasn’t. I had pinpointed the days the babe implanted. I had very minor cramping that day and it was about 12 days after we conceived.) She suggested three things: 1) checking my cervix, but not doing a vaginal exam. Just opening my vagina with the speculum and peeking in to make sure my cervix was closed, 2)drawing blood to do a comprehensive hormone level test 3)scheduling an ultra sound for the next day.

We went with options 1 and 2. She checked my cervix and verified that it was closed tight and there was no trace of blood. We had blood drawn and the results were to be gotten the next day, Tuesday. She sent me home with the hope that things were well. Something inside me suggested that it was not okay though.

We got home and colored some pictures after I called Rob and reported what happened with Dr. Malling. I went about my normal afternoon routine, making sure to rest a little more though. I nursed Zoe to an overdue nap and did some dishes, vacuumed and tidied up a little bit.

We eat dinner rather late into the evening. We don’t have an overall ‘normal’ schedule by most people’s standards, as we don’t bend our children to cater to our time frame, thus the reason I stay at home with them. I was making dinner and just dishing everyone up when I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. I went in and discovered my panties soaked in blood. I called Rob in asking him to bring a dish. I passed a number of large clots, then a spongy mass that we later disected and discerned was indeed Rune’s cocoon. I passed quite a few more clots and it was over. All I had left was a lost baby and some bleeding. It was very surreal. I didn’t cry much at first, just a few short bursts. it was just so intense I couldn’t absorb it. I monitored my temperature and made sure to eat and drink. My body felt just the same as it did after I gave birth to Zoe and Grace. Very achey and suddenly empty.

I didn’t sleep much that night. When I did sleep I had dreams of birthing a son but not getting to hold him. I squatted, pushed him out and he was taken away before I could grab ahold of him and bring him to my breast. I woke up at 4 am, needing to change my pad. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and did some reading on the internet. I cannot tell you what I looked at that early morning because I truly don’t remember. I was in such a fog. I lost it a few times. I finally went back to bed around 6am. Zoe and Grace and I slept until 9:30. Rob had gone off to work.

I woke up and was just so heavy. The whole day seemed to fly by. I lost my cool a few times. I cried for our lost baby. I cried because I didn’t have the strength or drive to play with my girls as usual. Grace was such a big girl for me that day and really helped and played extra with Zoe and helped me with things. We had breakfast and lunch and I slept a lot, but not real sleep. It was that in between worlds sort of sleep. My body needed the rest but my mind didn’t want to sleep.

Rob and I laid in bed and sobbed hard that night together.

The next day wasn’t much better. We planned to bury our newly named lost son, Rune Dustin. I wrote a ritual. I had to completely separate myself from the situation to be able to do it. I prepared our tools and prepared Rune in his jar.

I am not going to divulge the entire detail of the ritual as it was so hard to do. It was very emotional and intimate and private. We all cried a lot, hugged each other a lot. There was much comfort in the elements and the generations whirring around us.

After the ritual, Rob had his own fire and sat with the trees. He wrote a blessing to the Spirit, asking them to welcome our son, Rune. Death only parts us for a little while.

Last night I passed a few more clots, which I saved to give to Dr. Malling to have examined. Should I still be bleeding after one week, I will go and have an ultrasound to make sure nothing is being retained and I have not developed a molar pregnancy. There is no physical pain. I don’t have pain laboring-which is what this was. There is emptiness, I feel like I have a hole in my body. There is no small soft bump where there was before. My heart feels like someone tore it out, stomped the shit out of it, spit on it and jammed it back into my chest. I am afraid to sleep. I dreamed almost two years ago that this would happen. I told Rob the dream the morning after I dreamed it. I knew long ago that we would conceive and lose a son and a daughter would follow him.

We named him Rune Dustin. Dustin is a family name and Rune means ‘secret’. He was known to us for only a few weeks. Who he is, however, is a total secret to us. We will never know the boy he would have been and the man he would have become. Even still, he is our son. I have been pregnant and given birth to three children. Nature, the Gods and Goddesses, the Universe, saw that it wasn’t Rune’s time to be with us. They parent him now.

Thus far I have discovered that our children are not our own. They are merely entrusted to our care for a time. he may not be here, but Rune made me a mother for the third time. Now the Goddess nurtures him at her breast. Mine merely gift my nursling, Zoe with a bit more milk. Rune has a lot more to teach me and Rob. Time will be the deliverer of those lessons. There is much more grieving to be done. Rune is a part of us forever.

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